Lover's Quarrel - Sleep If You Can

I just read a very nice article in Yahoo about the seven things that no one tells you about marriage. Most of them are pretty much common sense. We all know them although we tend to ignore them. Say for example - working hard for the marriage, discovering who you really are, etc. etc. But the one thing that really caught my attention was about the comment on handling couple's spats. You know... everybody says (and I heard it so many times from marriage gurus)..."Never sleep until you resolve your differences." Well, this doesn't really work for me right from the start as I am a person who keeps quiet when I am angry. It is always better to let me calm down first.. don't talk to me OR you'll just see how seething mad I am. So, it's comforting to read from the article that IT IS OKAY to go to bed mad. You don't need to pressure yourself to feel better and be noble just to show your dedication to your promise of "for better or for worse".

During the first few years of our marriage this was always our problem. My partner has this "old school" notion that married couple should try very hard to resolve their conflict as soon as possible. He wants to tell his side of story, then I tell mine, then we'll analyze why a conflict happened in the first place. Geee... his side of story would ALWAYS be wrong from my point of view when I am mad. So, for me, there is no point of being so objective about the whole fight when all you have are all emotions? Believe me, when you have all these anger in you, you can't hear any reasons at all. So, why not let all emotions run low? Calm down. Stop talking. Be quiet. And sleep if you can. This always works for me. The next day is a better day. I can talk. I can think. I can smile a little bit or maybe laugh on how silly the reasons why we fought in the first place.

In our several years of marriage, I can no longer count how many times we fought. Some of them were even worse that we dare each other to just leave and give up the marriage. Nonetheless, we manage to patch up and say sorry... but this would be done the following day when all heads cooled off and all minds are ready to accept explanations. After all, how could you complain when your partner is a lot sweeter after every "lovers' quarrel" you have?

Remembering the First Kiss

It's Valentine's day and a perfect time to talk about first kiss! A friend of mine told me that he remembers very well when his first kiss was and with whom. In fact, they are celebrating yearly the day of their first kiss. How very sweet of him!!! He's lucky, he married the girl who gave him his first kiss but unfortunately for most of us, we don't usually end up marrying the person that we experienced our first kiss with.

I feel bad NOT remembering when my first kiss happened. I do remember with whom, but not when, where, or how I felt about it. Even if I try to dig deeper into my memory, I just can't figure out when it happened. Maybe because my first kiss did not happen with my first love.... hence, I don't think it was important, or it mattered to me. I don't even remember the feelings. Yikes!!! I feel very unromantic.

I am very emotional and I cherish all the memories that I have with the "boys" in my life. But perhaps, I was not able to have my first kiss the way I want it to be, so it did not leave a good impression on me. I keep telling myself that it was probably special at that time, but as the years go by, there were better kisses that I've experienced than the first that's why I have forgotten all about it.

Well, to those who remember their first kisses... keep the beautiful memory. One day, your kids might ask you about it and you'll have a nice story to tell. You won't feel guilty (like me) that special moments such as this will just be forgotten. First kiss only happens once.... cherish it.

Have a very Happy Valentine's day!

In Praise of Miss America

I had the chance to watch the Miss America pageant this Saturday. For awhile I was not really fond of watching beauty contests. For me they are shallow and are actually a way of taking advantage of young ladies. Pageant promoters, advertisers, and any other groups that have financial interest in the show are probably more winners than the crowned queen herself. Meanwhile, the girls are the ones doing all the work - going through grueling schedules of promoting the pageant while trying to stay beautiful under pressure. And what about the disappointments (and perhaps embarrassments) later when her name is not called to be part of the select group of ladies allowed to sashay more in front of the camera? After years of training and then weeks of smiling, and posing for photographers, that magic moment may not happen after all. All the girl can have is a 30-second fame when she introduces herself. What a shame!

Then I watched Miss America. I’d like to say I’m impressed with the ladies who participated in the contest. Not only that they are beautiful, they are also talented, witty, and in touch with what’s going on around them. Surely, Miss America has shown that beauty, talent, intelligence, wit, eloquence, physical fitness, and social awareness can be put together in one package. The contestants have eradicated the notion that beautiful women have nothing in mind but to be in front of the mirror all the time. The Miss America ladies have shown adeptness in current events and have expressed their informed views on most controversial issues facing each citizen at this time. This just shows that these ladies spent time to read, study, and research any issue that they are passionate about, while making sure that their physical bodies are taken care of and their God-given talent are honed. The ladies have toned physique – not anywhere near the anorexic built of some runway models and celebrities.

The only thing that I don’t agree with very much is the contestants’ continued insistence that Miss America is about scholarships. Yes, scholarships are part of the prizes, but it is not the main purpose for the contest. Otherwise, there should never be any gown competition, or swimsuit competition. All the contestants should do is to show off their talents and take oral or written exams to compete for the scholarships. Miss America is a beauty contest, period. But for me, it is a beauty pageant that has a purpose – to celebrate women, her powerful influence, and the great things that she could do. Congratulations to all Miss America contestants – each one of you is truly a winner.

Secrets.... how long can you keep them?

I don't know what people see in me or know about me, but I always get the privilege of being a confidante or shall I say, a secret keeper. I'm happy to know that they trust me, but deep inside I feel the burden of keeping them. I'm glad I can hold a secret, but believe me, it takes a lot of effort on my part to make sure that they remain just like that - a secret. Whenever I am among common friends and they start wondering what's happening with somebody, the urge of spilling everything that I know is enormous. Usually what I do is to get up, go somewhere and avoid listening to all their questions and hypotheses, which would usually be so far from what I know.

The secrets that would be related to me would usually be life stories (whew!) - mostly indiscretions, and a variety of unrequited love, which most of you would probably be familiar with. But the cast of characters would usually be surprising and thus the need to keep them under wraps. I noticed that each story would have varied emotions while being told - anger, vindictiveness, jealousy, guilt, excitement, and from time to time, happiness. My friends would sometimes laugh at themselves for being stupid, and yet, recognize the fact that they cannot stop their emotions.

I think my friends like to tell me their stories because I do honestly listen to them. I emphatize with them and not offer a lot of my opinion. I let them pour out their gripes and let them shed some tears if they need to. We also would laugh together of funny situations that they are in and sometimes make fun of "what ifs" and "how abouts". However, having all this information in me is very challenging. You're always on guard while you're with a group, lest you blurt out something to a person who speculates too much based on what "he/she believes" or what "he/she thinks."

I must admit that I like to know the stories and am flattered by my friends' trust in my ability to remain steadfast. For years, I must have done really well in listening and not telling, otherwise I should have destroyed friendships and relationships by now by just sharing everything that I know. On the otherhand, keeping secrets are truly a burden. Sometimes, I just don't want to know since I feel responsible if I cannot help enough, or listen enough, or even put some sense in my friends' thinking. But then, how can you escape from being drawn to your friends' world at the time when you are being needed the most? I just hope that everytime a friend talks to me "about something", he/she's not going to say "please just keep this between the two of us."

The Word That Gets In the Way....

…PRIDE, too much of it. It gets in the way of friendship, harmonious family relationships, and I’m sure you’ll all agree – a better handle of finances. There are so many stories about falling out of friendships and tearing apart of families just because of pride. Usually the reason for the spat would be so inconsequential. But with a dash of pride, the misunderstanding can be blown out of proportion. No one would concede defeat, and everybody wants to be right. Sometimes, rationality escapes and what’s left are hard feelings, bitterness, and anger. All because of pride.

I have seen so many beautiful relationships ruined because either party was too proud to make the first move towards reconciliation. Both would probably be waiting on the phone, but since neither would do it, they ended up being angry all the more until days and years gone by. They missed out what could have been a happy relationship. But then again, if you take a second look, people with too much pride seldom enjoy a happy relationship. So, maybe, that’s just the way it should be.

I had a conversation with a friend who was still pining for one lost love. I asked him why they parted. Surprisingly, he could not remember the exact reason why they fought. However, he remembered going back and forth and struggling with a dilemma whether to call his girlfriend or not. He thought he was not in any way to be blamed, but the girlfriend insisted on accusing him of things that he did not even understand. Years later, he still wonders what could have been if he just picked up the phone and called her.

I come from a culture where people love to compare themselves with others ALL the time. They would develop their choices and lifestyle based on the neighbor’s. So, if the neighbor renovates their house, definitely the other one would do it too. If the neighbor buys a bigger TV, chances are the following day, there will also be a delivery in the next door house of an even bigger TV. What about if the neighbor throws a nice party? The other house will think of anything just to have the reason to throw a much bigger party. Keeping up with the Joneses – it’s because of pride.

There was a time when I attended a very elaborate wedding. All the guests were awed by the entourage’s clothes, beautifully decorated grand reception hall, overflowing of wine and food, and great music. Everybody partied until early in the morning. I would have been very happy for the bride and groom for such a wonderful wedding. Only that I know how their finances look like. I wonder how they could afford such a very expensive party. True to my hunches, I learned later on that their families took out loans just to finance the wedding. The families will then spend several years to pay the amount used for a one-day, six-hour party. There goes again pride which comes hand in hand with showing off.

Our current economy forces us to reconsider pride. Most of us, who were mall goers before, already stepped in discount stores, thrift shops, consignment places, and of course, auction sites like e-bay. Vacation places became the nearby towns or the nearest beach or better yet, our house filled with rented videos. My idea of a grand vacation these days are places that our van can reach for a day. If I want a relaxing vacation, our house is the best place to be. I can sit on my TV set and have a movie marathon, read good books, or go around my neighborhood for a leisure walk. If I want to splurge a little bit, I’ll call up my friend and have a little party. For sure our karaoke will be put to good use while having a great time.

We need a little pride in us – to protect us from being trampled upon by other people. Pride gives us the confidence and self reward that we need from time to time. Pride helps us keep our principles and live by them. But as we all know, too much of everything is dangerous. Too much of pride might lead to disastrous circumstances. Thus, let’s check ourselves from time to time and reflect on our day-to-day activities. Are our actions and decisions guided by too much pride?

Do you have 10 things that you hate?

I really don't know if I can count ten things that I hate, but for sure I have a lot of things that I love about the movie "10 Things I Hate About You." I am a romantic at heart and the movie just gives me the pleasure of feeling in love all over again. Julia Stiles and the late Heath Ledger brightened the screen with their relax, yet strong performance of two people who were looking for love. They were brought together by other people's own agenda. But as the song goes, "love comes from the most unexpected places", love, too, can come from the most unexpected person. The movie can be considered as made for teeny-boppers, but the way the story unfolds, even a 40 something can very much feel the love. But then again, it's based on one of Shakespeare's stories... so probably it's not really a surprise why the movie turned out to be wonderful.

I've watched the movie several times already and everytime I watch the scene where Heath performed a song for Julia in the stadium, I giggle and hope that a boy during our younger years had done that to me. Probably, I'll say "yes" to him to whatever question he might have asked. Well... it's good to think of something outrageous from time to time. It makes me feel young!
The best part of the movie though is the poem read by Julia... "But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." Sigh. You can never hate the one that you love, even those that you thought hurt you the most. You may be angry... but never hate.

Oksana, please!

Oksana who?! Well, that's Oksana Bauil, the golden girl of figure skating from Ukraine. She rose to fame in 1994 when she won the Olympic's gold medal in Norway. USA's Nancy Kerrigan placed second while China's entry, Chen Lu, got the bronze. Well, Oksana's popularity soared and along that came the usual pressure of being on top. Eventually, various stories put Oksana on the limelight, but this time , the news were unfavorable. There were stories about too much taking of alcohol, and other not so nice incidents. Her figure skating career followed a downturn and she eventually left the sports. However, her popularity seemed to remain the same. People remember her and are always interested in what she has to say or what she's up to. Later on she did came back to figure skating - not as a sportsperson but a performer. But I must admit, I like her because of her dancing prowess... she's just a sight to behold when she is performing. She's a great artist with elegance and grace.

Just the other day I saw an interview of Oksana at Yahoo. She has resurfaced and is promoting her own reality show. Still, Oksana possesses the charisma that a lot of people admired her for.

So why am I writing about Oksana here? Well, I want her to be in the Dancing With the Stars!! If anybody knows somebody on that show, please put Oksana there. Think about the drama, the intrigues and most of all the talent that Oksana will bring into the show. That'll be another exciting season... or maybe the most exciting of all seasons!